Welcome to the Hellmouth

Remember when we were friends? Okay, we weren't friends when the country was decrying roving bands of latchkey kids. Remember latchkey kids? Yeah, we were going to lead the nation to ruin. You kinda overreacted with that one. I didn't burn down the house, kill any elderly neighbors or score in the 25th percentile on standardized tests.

But for a while, I thought we had an understanding. You do your thing, I'll do mine, and if it doesn't impede each other's lives in any way, we'll leave each other alone. You have your prayer circles, we'll have our circle jerks. I thought it was working. What happened to us, America?

Where did all of you right-wing crackpots come from? Are you part of some secret decades-old government cloning program? Do you simply not get that Bush embodies the worst traits of both major parties? Do you hate gay people and abortion so much that you'd vote against your own self-interests? Do libraries not exist in your state? Does education scare you?

Today, I mourned the continuing loss of freedom, secularism and common sense in the United States. Now, we have no excuse. The people have spoken, and the people have said, "Attack us. Repeatedly. We don't need international support because we have Jesus on our side. And the Israelis and Russians."

These people have no respect for the ideals laid down by the founding fathers. They wipe their ass with the Constitution -- except when it suits them. States' rights for abortion; federal mandates for gay marriage, euthanasia and medicinal marijuana. Miniature American flags for all.

They don't get that we're a member of the world, mostly because few of them have ventured into it. Branson, Missouri is as far as they go. And if they do make it abroad, it's likely on a tour bus or a military plane.

They've never drunkenly discussed politics in a beerhall with middle-aged bankers from Hamburg. They've never known what it's like to walk under an "Americans, go home" banner in Amsterdam and feel painfully embarrassed about the direction their country is going. They've never known what it's like to hang out with family in another country and realize that on the way to the airport, it just doesn't seem like going "home."

As someone who considers herself more in the Libertarian camp -- and I give my mom credit for sticking to her guns and voting for Badnarik -- I'm much more interested in maintaining social liberties than fiscal conservatism, particularly since the Bush administration has shown little interest in embracing the latter. What's the point of having five extra dollars in your paycheck if the cost of goods and services goes up, the war on terror will never end, and you can't even spend it on porn, whores and coke?

What, Bush got to have all that fun in his youth and middle-age, but the rest of us can suck on Building 429 and the "Left Behind" series? Thanks a lot, you creepy born-again bastard.

Bush didn't even attempt to campaign on a moderate platform, as Republican candidates often do as a way to appeal to mainstream voters. Because, apparently, there are no mainstream voters left in the Republican party. You've all been assimilated.

How else do you explain voters electing Jim DeMint, Tom Coburn and John Thune to the Senate, and voters in 11 states passing anti-gay marriage amendments?

Good job, America.

South Carolina -- what the fuck?

Your choice for senator, Jim DeMint, thinks that gays should not be teachers. He said the government should not "endorse homosexuality" and "folks teaching in school need to represent our values."

After being called out, DeMint defended the comment in an interview and went on to say that single, pregnant women who live with a boyfriend shouldn't teach, either.

After being called out again, DeMint claimed that sometimes his heart and head don't always consult, and he says something he shouldn't say -- which is the kind of quality that screams, "Elect me!"

You know, judging candidates based on sexual preference really worked out well for the Army, which lost Arabic-speaking soldiers to that policy. With a shortage of qualified teachers, maybe we shouldn't care so much what Mr. Smith is doing with slide rulers in the comfort and sanctity of his own home.

He also wants to replace the income tax with a national 23% sales tax, WHICH WILL FUCK YOU OVER.

Good job, South Carolina.

Oklahoma -- what the fuck?

Your choice for senator, Tom Coburn, wants the death penalty for doctors who perform abortions, even though he admitted to performing two abortions himself. He said he performed those abortions to "save the lives" of the mothers, but opposes the procedure in cases of rape.

"Under the mores we live under today, my lineage wouldn't exist," Coburn said in an interview, explaining that his great-grandmother was raped by a territorial sheriff.

I like to think that under the mores of today, his great-grandmother wouldn't have been raped by a territorial sheriff, but eh, probably not. Good thing Grandma took one for the Coburn team!

He answered a question about Social Security with a remark that blacks don't have much to worry about because black men have "a genetic predisposition to have less of a life expectancy." He bemoaned the "crapheads in Oklahoma City" and decried the "rampant lesbianism" in southeastern Oklahoma schools. That's your choice: A man so scared of women that 16-year-old girls going at it doesn't turn him on. What a fag.

Good job, Oklahoma.

South Dakota -- what the fuck?

Your choice for senator, John Thune, voted against cloning for medical research, wants to amend the Constitution to prohibit flag burning, thinks it's better for an abused child to rot in foster care than be adopted by a gay couple, decided that more prisons were better than alternative sentences and supports a constitutional amendment to allow (that is, require) school prayer.

Exactly who prevents your children from praying in school? Prayers are supposed to be silent, between that person and God. As long as your kid isn't flailing about, speaking in tongues and wrapping himself in snakes, no one gives a shit what your kid is doing.

You are not being persecuted. American is a Christian country, ever more so with each passing day. You can breathe easy, and little Jacob can silently recite the Lord's Prayer all he wants.

Good job, South Dakota.

What happened, guys, did you fall for Bush's folksy, down-home, stupid-uncle charm?

If you touched the screen for Bush, you weren't giving your vote to him. You were giving it to Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and the other official and unofficial members of the Bush administration who actually set policy.

Bush is a lunk-headed nimrod who, on his own, is probably harmless enough, but he's not the one in charge. While the big boys are figuring out which country to invade next, Bush is playing Catechumen on his PC. "Look, Rummy, they're prayin'!"

Evangelical Christians -- what the fuck?

According to reports, exit polls showed that 21 percent of voters chose "moral issues" as their number one issue. Those voters overwhelmingly backed Bush.

What do you think goes on in liberal-leaning states? Do you think we have gay orgies in the street? That we throw our sick, frail elderly people into the Hudson? That we walk around with clothes hangers in our purses and bags -- you know, just in case a pregnant woman passes by?

The main difference between us is that we don't want to impose our version of "morality" on you.

Don't want to be one-half of a gay union? Enjoy your heterosexual relationship in peace. Want to continue having babies you can't afford but the church will pick up the cost for? Have fun with your homeschooling endeavors. Want to "save" yourself for marriage? Hey, I think adult virginity is the ultimate sexual perversion, but I'm not going to be in your bedroom with Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson and a tub of lube, helping them snatch your precious innocence.

When my boyfriend recently went to Texas, someone at the client site, in front of other people, asked, "You're from New York, right? Are you a Jewwwwwww?"

He's not, but I would have thought they'd be excited to be in the presence of a member of the chosen people who will bring about Armageddon and cause their lord and savior to return.

Surely, there must be a way that we can speed up the heaven repatriation process.

So, to the terrorists, I say: Look at the states that voted for Bush. They're scared? Give them something to be scared about. They want war? Give them war. Up here, we've had enough of it.

Perhaps the states that went red should look to the states they claim their vote is going to defend. We tasted the pain of a brutal attack. We know what it's like to irrationally wonder why a plane seems to be flying too low and jump when we hear a loud sound. We know that we're not safe, and we never will be, no matter how many untested missile systems the government builds or hidey-holes it uncovers.

And a majority of us voted for Kerry, even if we had to sell out to do it. Maybe we know something that you don't. Like, living in fear is pointless when an 18-wheeler carrying toilets could jack-knife on the Turnpike and take out as many people as an isolated suicide bombing, so why not actually enjoy life instead of being afraid of it?

But the Democrats couldn't bring it home, so: Good job, douchebags. Supporting gun control was a bright idea, you fucking weenies. See you at Starbucks on Saturday, when we can discuss how the election results made us feel over a cup of latte.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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