Who's Fucking Who?

This isn't a fact we often admit in public. No one wants to go on record as saying their gene pool contains a smelly, mentally deficient matriarch who isn't concerned when a needle breaks off in her ample supply of flesh.

Her apartment reeks, and with a building inspection on the horizon and because no one wants to take her in if she gets kicked out, we needed to devise a plan to get her to wash her pits (and other areas we'd rather not envision) and give away the mangy dog that pisses everywhere.

Before the words "Clean your apartment, you pig" could escape our lips, the first words out of her mouth were: "Who's going to drive me to vote on the 20th?"

Because, you see, my grandmother -- she of the double-digit IQ and poor hygiene -- votes. She goes to the polls. She makes a difference. She cares.

She cares about the Social Security check she receives each month, although she never worked a day her in life. She cares about prescription drug coverage for medications she has no clue how to take. She cares about voting down the school budget, even though taxpayers put her eight kids through school.

If you don't vote, you're letting a retarded senior citizen decide your future. And retarded senior citizens don't care if you can't get your freaky sex on.

After a 10 year lull during which the porn industry was allowed to flourish and corrupt America's heartfelt Christian values, the Justice Department is once again cracking the whip, demanding that you lick its jack boot, and refusing to tell you what the safe word is.

Drew Oosterbaan, chief of the division in charge of obscenity prosecutions at the Justice Department, says the goal is to stop an industry seen as growing increasingly "lawless."

"We want to do everything we can to deter this conduct" by producers and consumers, Oosterbaan said. "Nothing is off the table as far as content."

In response to the eradication of terrorism, murder, rape, and child abuse, Ashcroft and fellow anti-porn crusaders intend to use millions of dollars to fight the scourge now threatening the moral fiber of our country. If they succeed, bid farewell to Britney Spears concerts and HBO specials about ugly heterosexuals using dildos on each other to attain spiritual enlightenment.

You'll miss them. Don't kid yourself.

In a speech in 2002, Ashcroft -- who doesn't drink, smoke, dance, pet calico cats, read Harry Potter books, or engage in any activity that might be construed as enjoyable or of the Devil -- said that pornography "invades our homes persistently though the mail, phone, VCR, cable TV and the Internet," and has "strewn its victims from coast to coast."

Porn does not magically appear. Jenna Jameson DVDs do not swarm around you like a nest of hornets, slapping you around with gigantic jugs until you give into carnal pleasures. I've never come home to a television playing Amber the Lesbian Queffer on its own accord, nor have I answered a phone and heard a breathless woman tell me what she'd do to me for $2.95/minute.

One needs to be an active participant. And an active participant is not a victim. An active participant is a consumer. A consumer who lives in a capitalist country, where we pride ourselves on free market values -- unless those values clash with superficial religious values, except those religious values that focus on not killing one's fellow man in order to fulfill a creepy America-first agenda. Then, we're a theocracy.

A theocracy does not stomach a populace that wants to have fun. If you're having fun and indulging desires that do not involve laying siege to a complex country with a history longer than Bush's shit list, you're not angry. If you're not angry, you're not going to support certain political agendas that rely on anger and fear for success, and there are few people angrier than those without sufficient sexual release.

The Bush administration is counting on you being frustrated and distracted, which is why there's an upswing in moral majority issues. Never mind the faltering coalition of the willing or the young, pampered American troops lacking the resolve to fight even a justified war, we've got to stop production of Anal Kitten in Tashkent.

In a 2001 episode of PBS's "Frontline," Bruce Taylor, a new hire at the Justice Department and veteran of porn crackdowns, said: "Just about everything on the Internet and almost everything in the video stores and everything in the adult bookstores is still prosecutable illegal obscenity. . . . Some of the cable versions of porno movies are prosecutable."

But prosecutable based on loosely defined "community standards."

To that end, the Bush administration is taking its No Dirty Sanchez tour on the road, with stops in conservative communities that might buy the anti-obscenity manure. Rather than face a jury of perverts in Hollywood, the Justice Department is ordering tapes and having them delivered to cities such as Pittsburgh, in the hopes that a bunch of yinzers will view hardcore pornography as a detriment to the community and thus allow the government to apply those community standards to everyone.

Kinda like gays getting married in San Francisco and hoping to export their marriage license elsewhere, but you know, with God's support. States' rights for the blessed.

In order to continue the Bush administration's 25-0 record, the president's 2005 budget proposal contains $4 million to hire more prosecutors and FBI agents devoted to targeting adult obscenity.

And what's $4 million? Some body armor for National Guard soldiers? Literacy programs in Texas that might legitimately boost high school graduation numbers? That's nothing compared to the rate of return we'll get when Vivid Videos is shut down and its headquarters turned into a Wal*Mart.

Jan "Chesty" LaRue, chief legal counsel for Concerned Women for America, a Christian public-policy organization, approved of the Justice Department's actions, but said, "They need to prosecute some of the more mainstream material -- not just the deviant stuff -- and they need to go after some bigger targets," LaRue said.

She said she hoped that Taylor's hiring would lead to cases that targeted a wider range of porn peddlers, including hotel chains that offer in-room pay-per-view adult movies and cable channels that show pornographic films.

Sure, porn is becoming more extreme as Americans are increasingly densensitized and jaded due to the easy accessibility of adult material, but that's not the fault of the companies. They provide the products that Americans want, and if Americans are sad without their slap happy, then criticism should be directed at the American public. What's going on in our society that we want nothing more than to see a woman get creamed in the eye?

If innocent videos of pre-pubescent girls frolicking in swimsuits had a market, then -- oh, I guess they do. Because anything can be made sexual, and if you start with the "deviant stuff," it's only a matter of time before they come for the Shannon Tweed flix on TMC.

If you care about preserving the time-honored tradition of 12-year-olds discovering soft-core porn on movie channels -- and drowning out the chorus of gibberish from America's retarded senior citizens -- hold your nose and vote on November 4. Just be sure to wear a condom. You never know what you can pick up when doing something as unsavory as that.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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