Killer Quake

Racing to my bedroom, I search for my Crackwhore skin, and upon donning it, I promptly fall over with my plump ass reaching toward the heavens.

As soon as I lift myself up and brush myself off, I frantically scan the room for a box of ammo and a gun. I pick up the gun, and my pulse increases. The urge to kill is overwhelming.

Must. Find. Victims.

I leave my room. What the…? Is that a snarling German Shepherd? (Wait, that's Wolfenstein.) No, it's a solider with a grenade launcher.

The door to freedom is blocked by lava. How can I escape?

I press the scroll button on my gun, and the grappling hook is activated. I reach the ledge; I am safe. Brushing the sweat from my brow, I realize I have not completed my prime directive: to kill all enemies.

Clicking the right button on my gun, I quickly scroll through my weapons and settle on the rocket launcher. Peering from the safety of a ledge, I see the soldier practicing his taunts. This is my chance. With only a moment's thought, I press the left button on my rocket launcher, and the solider is blown to pieces.

My job is done. A computer game has forced me to kill.

Or so Jack Thompson wants us to believe.

Jack Thompson, former Dade County (FL) prosecutor, is representing the family of one of three high school students killed in a school shooting. Thompson was instrumental in getting Ice-T's "Cop Killer" album removed from stores, and he prosecuted the members of raunchy rap group 2 Live Crew.

The scope of Thompson's campaign to thwart free speech has broadened since his days of trying to ban Madonna's "Justify My Love" video from stores.

"We intend to hurt Hollywood. We intend to hurt the video game industry. We intend to hurt (Internet) porn sites," Thompson told the Associated Press.

Thompson knows the media are protected by the Constitution, and his lawsuit will not end with the eradication of violence for public consumption. Much like radical pro-lifers, the Jack Thompsons of the world seek to frighten opponents into submission.

Pro-lifers face an uphill battle to overturn Roe v. Wade, and if the courts will not heed their demands, they will terrorize doctors who perform abortion until performing them is no longer feasible. Is upholding the belief that women should have access to abortion more important than protecting one's own life? The pro-lifers have bet it isn't, and the declining number of doctors performing abortions shows pro-lifers made a smart move.

Thompson understands that defending against lawsuits is financially and emotionally taxing. While Paramount and Time Warner have the funds to defend themselves against frivolous lawsuits, small companies do not. One frivolous lawsuit, even if the company emerges victorious, can spell disaster and force the company to fold. Will small companies take chances on violent media, knowing it could lead to a devastating lawsuit? Thompson is hoping they won't.

The anger Thompson directs at the media stems from a 1997 shooting in Paducah, KY that left three high school girls dead and five other students wounded.

The shooter, Michael Carneal, took part in a trend that swept public schools on both coasts and points in between: proving through bloodshed that one is not a weirdo.

The 14-year-old Heath High School (KY) freshman opened fire on a group of students in the lobby as their prayer group was adjourning. The three students killed were Kayce Steger, Nicole Hadley, and Jessica James.

Many Paducah residents condemned Carneal as being "just pure evil." Theories abounded, and it was suggested he felt alienated from the popular students at Heath High School, most of whom participated in the school's early morning prayer group. Some students implied the members of the prayer group were religious bullies, and Carneal snapped from the pressure.

In the beginning, the families placed the blame where it belonged: on Carneal's trigger finger. Joe James, whose daughter Jessica was killed, said, "He has blamed everyone but himself. … Other kids are teased just the same way, but they don't take a gun and use it. That's not a solution."

Soon after the shooting, the families of the girls killed file suit against 45 defendants – Michael Carneal, Carneal's parents, teachers, administrators, and even students – alleging that several people had breached a "duty to warn." The parents contend that the defendants knew or should have known that Carneal was plotting the shootings, and that the defendants should have taken action to prevent him from committing his crimes.

None of those involved in the lawsuit had deep pockets. To become millionaires and remain respectable members of their community, the families had to find a sacrificial lamb to justify their jumping two tax brackets. Children are only priceless until it comes time to figure out a settlement.

On April 12, the parents filed a $130 million federal suit against Internet pornography sites, large movie production companies and the makers of 10 computer games, which they allege incited Carneal to kill the students.

Among the 25 defendants are Time Warner Inc., Polygram Film Entertainment Distribution Inc., New Line Cinema, id software inc., Interplay Productions Inc., Meow Media Inc., and Network Authentication Systems Inc.

"We believe the Heath shooter was influenced by the movies he watched, the computers games he played and the Internet sites he visited," said Sabrina Steger, Kayce's mother. (Thank God he never found my site. I am the next Hitler, after all.)

"The lawsuit is intended to hold accountable certain media corporations which recklessly incited 14-year-old Michael Carneal to murder these three precious girls," Michael Breen, a Bowling Green attorney representing the parents, said.

If using a computer mouse to pump bullets into computer opponents, jerking off to a Jenna Jameson movie, watching a movie riddled with violence, and listening to a Marilyn Manson album can send teens on a murderous rampage, something in their brains slipped long before they ever came across these various media.

They were teetering on the edge of sanity. Properly functioning human beings have the capability to separate fantasy from reality. I do not check my shirt for blood when someone shoots a gun in a movie because I know it is not real.

I play video games, watch violent movies, and view porn for their original purpose: entertainment. None of them are realistic.

Quake teaches players how to kill about as much as Bust a Groove teaches uncoordinated white people how to dance. After years of playing first person shooters, I still have lousy aim on the rare occasions I visit the shooting range.

In real life, people do not perpetrate a massacre in slow motion … with a gun in each hand … while wearing snappy black clothing … and tossing pithy one-liners … without so much as getting a scratch. It just does not happen.

And as hard as I have tried, I still cannot imitate scenes of double vaginal sex. One would need a shoehorn to accommodate as much cock as porn stars do. It is not reality; it is fantasy.

By about five, the average human has a vague concept of reality vs. fantasy. By 14, any human who does not understand Freddy Krueger cannot invade dreams needs to be locked in the abandoned wing of a psychiatric hospital, never to be heard from again.

The results of lawsuits like these are that adults who can keep fantasy and reality straight are punished through censorship and kid-friendly laws. But that is the point.

Rather than see the direct cause of school shootings (pathetic parenting and mental illness), they would much rather see Oliver Stone-like conspiracies, which absolve them of any responsibility and give them a way to get loads of cash.

This lawsuit reminds me of an episode of "Dragnet" that recently aired on one of those nostalgia channels. When a student of existentialism becomes violent, the teacher asks Joe Friday if he thought existentialism was the root of the student's actions. Friday responds, "Existentialism isn't the reason; it's the excuse."

Admitting that Carneal's actions were independent of outside influences means any kid can become a killer, even the "precious" dears who were gunned down.

And politicians who buy into the blame game are placing everything I hold near and dear to my heart -- mindless violence -- at risk.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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