Eat Me

Either way, the organization made a name for itself by fighting for its principles, however misguided they occasionally were.

But those principles have gone the way of the Native Americans, who decided that casinos were fair restitution and worthwhile fights included complaining about the names of high school sports teams.

"No matter how you slice it, the meat industry is a violent, bloody industry that's bad for both animals and humans," Bruce G. Friedrich, PETA's Vegetarian Campaign coordinator, said in his letter to Green Bay Packers president Bob Harlan. "It's time to send the Packers packing and make the team's name reflect a kinder profession."

Packers, Friedrich wrote, is a euphemism for "slaughterhouse workers, which is nothing to be proud of."

"Maybe that's why you're not called the Green Bay Animal Killers, despite that being the actual occupation of 'packers.'"

What would Friedrich prefer? Green Bay Foo-Foo Bunnies? Green Bay Szechuan Bean Curd? Green Bay Owl Lovers? Green Bay Save The Circus Elephants?

It's a fucking football team. Their main objectives are to run into each other, pile on top of each other, throw a ball and pat each other's asses. Maybe Green Bay Fudge Packers would make Friedrich happy.

But then, that would piss off the queers.

Special interest groups are ignorant of what the public wants. The more power they get, and the more difference they make, the less focused they become.

That's why a state leader of the National Organization of Women can claim that the state's women list "lesbian rights" as the issue most important for women.

Hey, I like lesbians. Non-breeding ones, anyway. The hip dyke-mamas with "Got Milk?" t-shirts and Ani DiFranco slings aren't much better than their heterosexual counterparts. And the baby names tend to be dumber.

But as much as I like lesbians, I don't give a shit if dental dams are taxed, or if two women can enter into a government-sanctioned relationship that generally ends in alcoholism, children and community property.

As long as I can pay a doctor to flush out any parasite – human or otherwise – that takes up residence in my body, I don't care if the cops can haul lesbians away for mutual muff-diving.

Eat, slurp and be wary, but don't expect me to don a "Queer Rights" t-shirt and slump down 5th Avenue with my butch mistress leading me by a chain.

When a movement can zoom in on such an insignificant segment of the group being represented, it's time to pack those bags and head toward the next oppressed group looking for leadership.

And that's what PETA needs to do.

While I rarely agreed with their action alerts – better a dead bunny than a severe eye infection caused by an untested eyeliner – they tended not to be laughable.

Now, they've moved on to protesting CBS's show "Survivor" because several participants killed, skinned and cooked a rat. Which the participants gleefully munched on.

"You have people who think it's fun to trap rats, cut off their legs, skin them and eat them," said RaeLeann Smith of PETA. "There's nothing funny about that. It's disgusting."

"Mary Ann, Skipper, Ginger, and the others on Gilligan's Island became America's most beloved castaways-and they did so without cruelly killing animals for ratings," Smith continued. "Survivor producers should tune in to re-runs of the classic-they'd realize that they can be compassionate and still enjoy fantastic ratings."

And participants of "Survivor" should have tuned in to that classic show to learn how to build a radio out of coconuts. RaeLeann, if you have to turn to Bob Denver and the other castaways to prove your point, it's a losing battle.

Besides, RaeLeann, you should be happy that the participants are chowing down on meat not full of hormones and antibiotics.

In the past, PETA used the argument that people probably wouldn't eat what they had to kill. If people knew how barbaric it was to slaughter a life to satisfy hunger pains, they'd plant organic gardens and special order tofu.

When their hypothesis is tested, the participants don't act as planned. They have no problem with eating their kill. PETA's argument is shot down.

What can they do but ask a 17-year-old anorexic member to slip into a fuzzy rat costume and carry a sign imploring passers-by to not eat her?

At least vegetarian PETA members are consistently nutty. Cow, pig, rat, grubworm – if it lived, it won't be on their dinner plates.

Non-PETA members are worse. They're the people who wear leather shoes and boo fur wearers.

Or they'll buy a coat with a rabbit fur-lined collar from Burlington Coat Factory, but send nasty letters to corporate headquarters when they learn some of the collars are made with dog fur.

Ask someone in McDonald's his opinion on foreigners eating dog, and he'll angrily denounce the practice while bits of dead cow fly from his mouth.

Dogs are our pets. They protect our homes. They nestle against us after we've had a hard day at work. They run and fetch and romp and play.

And I bet they're damn tasty, too.

As an omnivore, I'll try just about anything. Meat is meat. Dog, cat and cow all look the same when skinned, cubed and stir-fried with mixed vegetables.

Even fish prepared live sounds appetizing.

The Los Angeles Times did a story about the Japanese delicacy of "ikezukuri." It is live-fish sashimi, where the fish is carved live and reassembled on the plate.

A Los Angeles television station asked Nobuyuki Matsuhisa, a master chef, to demonstrate the technique.

After the piece was broadcast, Matsuhisa said in a Salon article that he had 50 calls in 10 minutes accusing him of cruelty, including calls from Greenpeace and animal-rights activists.

"People eat the chicken, people eat the beef, they still say, 'Don't kill the fish.' This is a 2,000-year-old, very traditional Japanese way to prepare fish. It has a history."

After a rebroadcast, Matsuhisa received more calls: "'You going to kill the fish, I'm going to put a bomb in front of the restaurant.' I think, are you crazy? Fish! I just show the ikezukuri! I was so scared of a bomb that I never do ikezukuri anymore. But," he adds, "we still do the live lobster."

It's a fish.

Doggies and kitties, at the very least, are furry and cute. Fish are swimming meals. Which is why the participants of "Survivor" have tried to catch them.

According to a PETA press release, "Meanwhile, Tagi 'tribe' member Richard was all smiles as he speared three sea creatures who flopped around helplessly in his wire basket."

Well, yes, the sea creatures flopped around helplessly because they lacked the brains and appendages to get out of the situation.

Richard didn't interrupt the sea creature's monthly existentialism meeting. (Topic: Kierkegaard.) They were swimming about, all but wearing a sign that read, "Please eat me." Earlier this year, PETA pissed off Mothers Against Drunk Driving (usually a good thing) with a campaign urging college students to dump milk in favor of beer.

It then created a "Got Zits" campaign to urge teen-agers to stop drinking milk as a way to prevent acne.

Look, PETA, if this is all you've got left – don't drink milk, don't eat stray rats and don't glorify meatpackers – hang it up. Move on to a new cause.

I hear lesbian rights are all the rage.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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