These Are the People In My Neighborhood

Whenever I mention where I grew up or where I currently live, I hear: "Oh, you're so lucky! I bet it's great living in such a multi-ethnic neighborhood! It has such color, such flavor! It's what America should be about!"

I wonder how these pampered intellectuals would deal with living in my neighborhood.

How would they react to passing cars blasting ghetto bass and throwing fast food garbage on their lawns or La'Precious and her crew throwing down with Tuus'weet Baby Girl and her posse?

How would they react when their cars are stolen and trashed? Or when the adorable neighborhood kids put a 2x4 with nails under their front tires?

How would they react when a 16-year-old girl is kidnapped from the corner of a nearby street, raped and then dumped two houses down?

Would they think it's colorful then? Probably. They'd be hardcore: "Look at all of the awesome shit that happens here! Wow, this is reality! This is real life, man! I feel so alive!"

Me? I can't wait to move to a bland area where there are no fried chicken joints, check cashing places, pawn shops, rice-car auto shops and discount liquor stores on every corner.

I may lose out on the flavor, but I can still read about it in the papers -- the way it should be.

And for those of you in the market for a house, here are eleven things I learned from living in a multi-ethnic neighborhood:

1. Eastern European women are whores. Any Katarzyna in a storm, after all.

2. No one yells louder at 8 a.m. than a Sri Lankan grandmother who can't speak English.

3. Deaf white trash is a thousand times worse than non-deaf white trash. It's a million times worse when they own untrained pitbulls that are kept on a chain in the backyard -- and whose barking they can't fucking hear..

4. Black people don't know how to cross the street.

5. While watching the police investigate a kidnapping and rape in your neighborhood is entertaining -- well, it tends to drive down the property values.

6. Vietnam vets taking psychotropics occasionally dress in Boy Scout uniforms and harass women at the grocery store, and they never mow their lawns. If the unmowed lawns remind them of Vietnam, it's imperative to learn the quickest route from one's car to one's house.

7. Locking one's unruly nephew in a shed for two weeks may sound like a good idea at the time, but just wait until the police hear about it.

8. Mace is nowhere near as painful as pepper spray.

9. When the mayor brags about the high school's average SAT score rising to 800, it's probably wise to consider sending your kids to private school.

10. Turning on your car's hazard lights excuses you from blocking a lane of traffic on a residential street so that you can talk to your boo.

11. Never roll through a stop sign near the house of the uppity gay guy trying to revitalize the neighborhood.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

The Misanthropic Bitch does not encourage feedback. You are not as clever, witty or hate-filled as you think you are. All submissions, though, become property of The Misanthropic Bitch. Submissions may be published or reused in any other medium. Think before you hit send.