John Kerry is a poopiehead

On the night before the organized protest at the Republican National Convention, after drinking way too many shots of ginja in a bar down the street, I got the bright idea to wake up the next morning and hike it into the city to commiserate with fellow critics of the Bush administration.

When the alarm clock blared at 6 a.m. and I realized that I was now sober and had better things to do than risk sunburn to effectively prove that protesting in the United States does nothing unless it somehow stirs the emotions of the elusive middle America, I went back to sleep.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and corrupt American administrations won't collapse under the pressure of hundreds of thousands of people who never would have voted for them anyway.

So, bang your drums and don your pithy t-shirts, but come election day, it's going to be Bush by a nose (or landslide, depending on how well Florida erroneously purges its voter records and forgets to count ex-pat absentee ballots) because the Democrats have embraced the High Road tactic.

Unfortunataly, Democratic campaigners have forgotten that they're trying to win an election in the United States, where even Toby Keith can have a successful recording career.

They're going to have to put a boot up someone's ass if they hope to win.

In my seven-year voting history, I have never pulled a lever for a Democrat or Republican. I choose third-party candidates, no matter how insane their platform is, because we need diversity in the system. I'd rather see Vinnie Carbone from Keansburg, whose only election promise is to return nude dancing to establishments that serve alcohol, gain political office than a well-connected heel who's disconnected from those he represents.

If this were yet another election that boiled down to voting for Millionaire A and Millionaire B and watching the subsequent four years of political posturing, I wouldn't consider voting for John Kerry. Give me the Libertarian candidate who turned himself blue from drinking colloidal silver.

It's not that kind of election.

This year, I feel backed into a corner. Four more years of Bush means that he has the opportunity to stack the Supreme Court with conservative justices whose rulings will affect us for decades. Another Bush term has implications that extend far past January 2009, and anyone with a tinge of liberalism should be frightened at this man having that kind of power.

But we're not the demographic that's going to be swayed by 60-second soundbites and viral campaigning. We've already decided to compromise our principles and vote for the significantly lesser evil.

Yet, it appears that Democrats are operating under the naive belief that they're better than the Republicans and can't stoop to the level of successfully planting stories (exagerrated or patently false) that question the other candidate's integrity. That's how primaries and elections are won. Ask Sen. John McCain.

Kerry, though, brought upon himself the wrath of the Bush spin machine. He served in Vietnam for four months. He served in the Senate for two decades. Clearly, it was a wise choice to focus his campaign on a brief tour of duty in a still controversial war.

Yes, we're engaged in a prolonged war that could continue for centuries because there's no clear-cut definition of victory, but that doesn't mean his stint in the military is relevant in 2004.

Rather than focus on his own military "career," Kerry should have focused on the numerous members of Bush's cabinet and inner circle -- those who fudged the information that sent us into Iraq -- who have no military experience and how that lack of insight has hurt the United States. It's easy to send a soldier to die for your convictions if you've never witnessed a person die for someone else's.

Donald Rumsfeld, a civilian, ignored the warnings of retired general Eric Shinseki, the former Army chief of staff and a decorated war veteran, who predicted that far more than 100,000 troops would be needed to keep Iraq in check after the initial invasion.

George Bush, an alleged member of the National Guard, never saw combat and never saw a company or project that he didn't want to run into the ground.

Dick Cheney, a civilian, conveniently avoided the draft through repeated deferments.

And coming soon, General Colin Powell's fried chicken. (It's butt-kickin'.)

There's enough fodder for a few hundred vicious political commercials that attack the records and integrity of Bush and his administration. Pay off a few 527s and join the party. Why should MoveOn.org go it alone?

Instead of working with that ample material, Kerry made himself an easy target. For a man with three Purple Hearts, he has no balls -- or catchy chant that can be used to drown out the opposition.

In the attacks on Kerry, there is no distinction between "flip-flopping" and "being flexible." A politican should change with the times, and he should respond to the evolving needs and demands of constituents -- even if those needs and demands appear self-defeating or absurd. No one ever said that voters were intelligent or consistent.

If 75 percent of Americans disagree with a proposal in 2004 but 75 percent support it in 2008, it's reasonable for a politician to first vote against it and then for it. He wants to stay in office, and staying in office means gauging the public's opinion and the size of lobbyists' wallets.

There's nothing surprising about politicians regularly changing their vote or public opinion, and Bush is hardly an example of consistency. Before 9/11, he courted the Muslim vote, reassuring them that he'd help do away with that pesky airline profiling. That didn't work out so well, but who saw 9/11 coming? Oh, right, his administration -- well, it would have if it hadn't been so focused on doling out contracts for a missile defense system to its friends that it overlooked several kinda important memos.

Kerry, come on, these things write themselves.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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