That Kennedy Kid

When a Kennedy dies -- be it from playing a dangerous game of football on a tree-lined mountain while wearing skis or flying a small plane at night in a thick haze after logging only a minimal amount of flight time -- it makes headlines.

The news doesn't dominate the airwaves and newspapers because of the loss to mankind -- there is none -- but because their name is one associated with power, prestige and more often than not, incredible acts of stupidity. Not that anyone would risk losing his job to point out the latter characteristic, even though showing poor judgment screams, "I'm a Kennedy!"

Despite or perhaps because of their wealth, the Kennedys are as dysfunctional as the fictional families featured on "The Jerry Springer Show." The Kennedys are considered America's royalty -- the equivalent of the British monarchy -- because no other prominent American family has as many idiosyncrasies and incidents as the family that spawned the Prince Charles and Princess Diana debacle.

They've long outlived their usefulness -- the British monarchy having been replaced by a parliament, the Kennedys having diluted their gene pool to the point it's a wonder John-John could rollerblade and argue with his wife Carolyn simultaneously -- yet the media on both sides of the pond continue to blather on about their mere existence.

And when one of them dies, particularly if the person dies a horrific death brought about by their own ill-conceived plans, it doesn't matter if it's the 30th anniversary of a dramatic human achievement such as landing on the moon, prattling on and on about the miniscule details of said dead person's life takes precedence.

Of course, I don't think newscaster Cynthia Santana of the New York City FOX affiliate is erecting a shrine in her bedroom to the hunk who sunk. The media won't stop forcefeeding us the romantic tale of a Calvin Klein employee hooking up with a former Sexiest Man Alive because it sells.

Scores of mourners -- some of whom live out their days in dismal housing projects with barely a thread of hope to sustain them from day to day -- are lining up at the Very Pretty Couple's Tribeca digs to comfort each other and place flowers or light candles. It's a scene to behold, if for no other reason than the parents of these mourners probably won't be or weren't given the same amount of respect and admiration at the time of their deaths.

Jose Torres put up a poster Sunday on the building where Kennedy lives with his wife that read: "Has anyone seen my old friend John-John?"

"To me, he was Mr. New York," said Torres. "Everybody loved him, and he was a really nice guy. He said hello to me once when I met him riding my bike."

That's lovely, Jose.

B Real of the rap group Cypress Hill once gave me the lookover and said, "Hey," when I was in a Greenwich Village store, and I'm acquainted with a flamboyant gay man who has taken it up the ass for more fashion designers than even he's willing to admit -- but he admits to knowing Donatella Versace. If either B Real or Donatella met an untimely demise, I'd find it hard to work up the energy to find a suitable place to weep over them, let alone create a sign implying a brief encounter was an actual friendship.

In short: Earth to Jose Torres.

"We all watched him grow up through the TV and when something like this happens, it happens to all of us," said Frank Lopez, a furniture truck driver from Queens who left an American flag and flowers.

The Kennedys, he added, "are part of America, and they show Americans what they could be."

Which is, as best as I can tell, to be: lazy, spoilt, praised for no good reason, given too much power, and needless to say, not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Those mourners and home viewers want to hear and read about those miniscule details. They want to know that Carolyn Bessette was voted "The Ultimate Beautiful Person" in high school, and from every Associated Press I've read since the Big Splash, that's about all she accomplished in life. She's referred to as one of two "beautiful daughters" (because the AP Stylebook says ugly daughters aren't missed), a "beautiful" person or the "beautiful" wife of John F. Kennedy, Jr.

Fear not, for JFK's beauty is mentioned just as often, although his high school claim to fame was "Most Likely To Skate Through Life Because, Hey, He Inherited Money And A Great Name, And He Was Just So Damn Cute When He Gave That Salute."

The police chief of the Martha's Vineyard town where John Kennedy Jr. spent many summer weekends said she often told him to slow down as he motored through town in a vintage convertible.

Isn't that cute? Grown-up John-John tooling around West Tisbury in his 1969 Pontiac GTO convertible -- putting pedestrians and other drivers at risk because his mob-connected father had his brains blown out, and John-John put his chubby, grubby kid hand up to his forehead and gave a meaningless salute at his mother's behest. Do you think anyone would mourn if one of Reagan's kids piloted a plane and crashed into the briny deep?

"I'd see them driving in his old model convertible," West Tisbury's Police Chief Beth Toomey said.

"I'd always tell him to slow down," she said, smiling at the memory as she showed a reporter the two-hands-down gesture she'd make when she saw Kennedy driving his black 1969 Pontiac GTO convertible.

"I would tell him, 'Slow down, slow down,'" Toomey said.

Well, why the fuck didn't you give him a ticket, Ms. Toomey? That's what we do to the average speeder in America. But John wasn't the average speeder, was he, Beth? He was a Kennedy, and Kennedys deserve all the breaks their feckless followers will provide. But death always finds the Kennedy Family, and no prosecutor on the sly or an infatuated girly police chief unwilling to hurt a stud's feelings can stop it.

While I could argue that the country should rejoice over the death of every Kennedy -- especially the revered horndog who brought us to the brink of nuclear war (blowjobs offsetting presidential stress, indeed) -- what gets me the most is this "Kennedy Curse."

"Inexplicable curse of the Kennedys," London's The Sunday Telegraph said in a headline for a story that ran over three pages. (Only 3? We gave the Royal Snatch way more than that. You owe us. He was about as vapid as she was.)

"Kennedy curse strikes again," said the Sunday Times of Johannesburg.

"The Kennedy family again meets the vicious curse," opined Hong Kong's Chinese-language daily Oriental Daily News.

"It's almost as if there's some ineffable force that demands that they suffer -- and suffer nationally," said Neal Gabler, a sometime contributor to Kennedy's "George" magazine and author of "Life: The Movie," which explores the American celebrity and entertainment culture.

Yes, and that ineffable force is lovingly referred to as "God." God hates the Kennedys about as much as I do, and he's willing to own up to and correct his mistakes. Unfortunately, he's a bit behind in cleaning up the Kennedy mess because these Kennedys don't know when to keep their pants zipped and their legs shut. Rabbits don't multiply nearly this much, and if you want proof of why the world will always be full of Kennedys, behold what I spent my Sunday evening compiling:

Joseph Patrick Kennedy, Jr. begat:

1. Joseph Patrick Kennedy, who was killed during WWII when his plane exploded

2. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who begat:

• Patrick Kennedy, who died 36 hours after birth

• John Kennedy, Jr., who failed the bar exam twice, dated Daryl Hannah, published a boring magazine and crashed his crop duster into the ocean

• Caroline Kennedy, who produced:

Rose Kennedy Schlossberg
Tatiana Celia Kennedy Schlossberg
John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg

4. Eunice Kennedy, who produced:

• Robert Sargent Shriver III

• Maria Shriver, who produced:

Katherine Schwarzenegger
Christina Schwarzenegger
Patrick Schwarzenegger
Christopher Schwarzenegger

• Timothy Shriver, who begat:

Sophia Rose Shriver
Timothy Perry Shriver, Jr.
Samuel Kennedy Potter Shriver
Kathleen Potter Shriver

• Mark Shriver, who begat:

Mary Elizabeth Shriver

• Anthony Shriver, who begat:

Eunice Julia Shriver
Francesca Maria Shriver

5. Patricia Kennedy, who produced:

• Christopher Lawford, who begat:

David Christopher Kennedy Lawford
Savannah Rose Lawford
Matthew Valentine Lawford

• Victoria Lawford, who produced:

Alexandra Lawford Pender
Caroline Patricia Pender
Victoria Rose Pender

• Sydney Lawford, who produced:

James Peter McKelvy, Jr.
Christopher Kennedy McKelvy
Patrick Ryon McKelvy
Anthony Lawford McKelvy

• Robin Lawford

• Kathleen Kennedy, who produced:

Meaghan Ann Kennedy Townsend
Maeve Fahey Kennedy Townsend
Rose Katherine Kennedy Townsend
Kerry Sophia Kennedy Townsend

• Joseph Kennedy II, who bought an annulment from the Catholic Church and begat:

Matthew Rauch Kennedy
Joseph Patrick Kennedy III

• Robert Kennedy, Jr., who was charged with heroin possession in 1983 and begat:

Robert Francis Kennedy III
Kathleen Alexandra Kennedy
Conor Richardson Kennedy
Kyra LeMoyne Kennedy
William Finbar Kennedy

• David Kennedy, who thankfully overdosed before siring more buck-toothed Kennedys

• Courtney Kennedy, who married an accused IRA terrorist and eventually produced:

Saoirse Roisin Hill

• Michael Kennedy, who fucked his kids' babysitter and, before his demise in a chance meeting with a snow-covered tree during a game of ski football, begat:

Michael LeMoyne Kennedy Jr.
Kyle Francis Kennedy
Rory Gifford Kennedy

• Kerry Kennedy, who produced:

Mariah Matilda Kennedy Cuomo
Cara Ethel Kennedy Cuomo
Michaela Andrea Cuomo

• Christopher Kennedy, who begat:

Katherine Berner Kennedy
Christopher George Kennedy Jr.
Sarah Louise Kennedy Clare Rose Kennedy

• Matthew Maxwell (Max) Kennedy, who begat:

Matthew Taylor Kennedy Jr.
Caroline Summer Rose Kennedy
Noah Rose Kennedy

• Douglas Kennedy

• Rory Kennedy

• Stephen Smith, Jr.

• William Kennedy Smith, who was acquitted of rape in 1991

• Amanda Smith

• Kym Smith

• Kara Kennedy, who produced:

Grace Kennedy Allen
Max Greathouse Allen

• Edward Kennedy, Jr., who begat:

Kiley Elizabeth Kennedy
Edward Moore III

• Patrick Kennedy, who was a coke-addicted teen

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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