Go Home, You Bastard

It's about time.

Under the cover of hundreds of protestors, various news outlets, sundry media whores and a downright creepy family, the government collected Elian Gonzalez on Saturday morning.

Within seconds, images of the fisherman tightly gripping his 15 minutes of fame – uh, tightly gripping the frightened Elian – were sent around the world.

Within minutes, t-shirts, posters and coffee mugs bearing those images were being sold on the streets of Little Havana. Jesus saves; Elian scores. Or does Elian save?

If one listened to the rumor mill, Elian was the second coming of Christ, the first coming of a new messiah, the savior of the cowardly Cuban-American community, and most amusingly, a Santerian blood sacrifice.

During Elian's captivity, the nun hosting the January Las Abuelas Get-together received a note from a Miami relative outlining Cuban President Fidel Castro's plan to kill Elian in a blood sacrifice to appease Santeria gods and retain control over Cuba.

Food rations or insane relatives? Food rations or insane relatives? Food rations or insane relatives? Food rations, you say? Smart move, kid.

While heading toward apotheosis, Elian summoned images of the Virgin Mary on bank buildings, household mirrors, on the rear window of a pickup truck right above the pissing Calvin decal – don't you see it? It's right there, for God's sake. It is not a fucking smudge. It's the Virgin Mary!

And the proof of Elian's holiness? That the godless Southern Baptists in power took Elian the day before Easter. The symbolism is mind-boggling.

"This is like crucifying the Messiah all over again. This is a slap in the face to the Cuban-American community and the Christian community," demonstrator Ralph Anrrich said.

Perhaps not so mind-boggling.

On a 15-foot-tall mural tacked to the apartment building next to the house of Lazaro Gonzalez, Elian is depicted at sea in an inner tube protected by dolphins. Above him is a scale with the faces of Pope John Paul II on one side and Bill Clinton on the other. Floating behind him are Jesus, the contorted face of Fidel Castro, the fisherman who found him, the Statue of Liberty, the Virgin Mary and Cyril Connelly. Directly above him, with light emanating are the giant and protective hands of God.

To think his mother probably once used the retort of maternal figures around the world, "Who do you think you are, God?"

After the government seized Elian, protestors took to the streets.

Did I even need to tell you that? When don't minority and immigrant groups take to the streets? When is the last time homogenized white people poured into the streets and protested? Where's our battle? Where's our cause? Sorry, the evils of capitalism don't count.

I'd like a good reason to throw bottles and set fire to tires, too.

``We are the owners of the streets in Miami until Elian comes home,'' said protester Santiago Portal, 68.

Santiago then followed the crowd by waving both a Cuban flag and an upside-down American one. The irony was lost on many.

It's similar to a woman staying with her boyfriend until "something better" comes along. She doesn't want to be with her current partner, but she's afraid of causing a stir.

The Cubans in Miami don't want to be in the United States. They're waiting until "something better" comes along in Cuba, so they can bring the riches acquired in this country back to their island homeland.

Their numbers are large, but they're afraid to return to their land and implement change. They prefer the coward's way of embargoes, which rarely hurt their intended targets.

As such, if Elian's life in Cuba is hard, he has his followers in the Cuban community to thank for it.

But what if the minority prevails, and Elian remains here?

His cousin Marisleysis doesn't appear to have a job, boyfriend or social life. She regularly faints and must be rushed to hospital – a routine carried out even before Elian's arrival. She sleeps in the same room as Elian, giving rise to the notion that Granny ain't the only one catching a glimpse at Elian's one-eyed trouser snake.

And she's the best of the bunch.

Both of his two great uncles, including Lazaro who seeks custody of Eliαn, have two DUIs. Other relatives have multiple felony convictions, one of whom is awaiting trial for assaulting a tourist.

What fate does Elian have in the United States? Another Miami thug preying on naοve foreign tourists? Another welfare leech?

If he goes back to Cuba, at least he has the chance of one day returning in triumph to the United States as a star baseball player.

Or a drug mule.

My money's on the latter.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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