Election 2000 Guide

  Al Gore:

Pro: He's schizo. We'll never know which Gore we're getting. It'll be a surprise.

Con: He's schizo. Free Lithium for all.

Pro: He pushes an anti-smoking campaign. Why smoke when drinking Vodka is much more glamorous?

Con: He pushes an anti-smoking campaign. He used to defend tobacco farmers and accept contributions from tobacco companies.

Pro: He invented the Internet. And brought this Web site to you.

Con: He invented the Internet. And he'd gladly ban "hate speech" on it.

 Pro: He wants to expand anti-drug policies. But you're safe if you're related to him and attend Harvard.

Con: He wants to expand anti-drug policies. In his youth, he put Cheech and Chong to shame, which means he's even more rabid about his anti-drug stance.

Pro: He feels that Latino values are the best values. Henceforth, all women will shop at Rave, Bang Bang and Le Chateau.

Con: He feels that Latino values are the best values. Henceforth, all men must drench women in beer and water, and shamelessly group-grope them.

Pro: He wants to give stay-at-home mothers five years' worth of Social Security credits. Good. Give them an incentive to quit the workforce and spare us the details of their lochia.

Con: He wants to give stay-at-home mothers five years' worth of Social Security credits. Bad. Why the hell should they reap rewards for sitting on their fat asses for five years, while the rest of us are worker bees?

Pro: He claims to be pro-women. Abortion will remain legal.

Con: He claims to be pro-women. He kept having children until he got his boy.

Pro: He wants to provide $500 billion in tax cuts to families. Those Expedition payments are becoming too much.

Con: He wants to provide $500 billion in tax cuts to families. Hint: If you don't have kids, you're not part of a family.

Pro: He believes that universal Internet connection should be a national priority. Everyone deserves a chance to read my site.

Con: He believes that universal Internet connection should be a national priority. Come on, he thinks it should be a national priority.

  Joseph Lieberman:

All you need to know is that this guy is hellbent on getting rid of violence in the media.

Quotes: " We are not seeking censorship but better citizenship. We are appealing to the industry's conscience, to recognize that you are part of the national community that is endangered by the virus of youth violence, and to work with us to do whatever we can to prevent another Littleton."
-- Source: Senate testimony, "Marketing of Violence to Children" May 4, 1999  

Lieberman was one of 10 Senators who sent a letter to seven video-game retailers. "We are seriously concerned about the accumulated impact that media violence is having on our children," the senators wrote. "We are particularly concerned by what is happening in the video game marketplace. Most games contain little if any violence and are rated as perfectly appropriate for players of all ages. But there is a significant core of increasingly graphic, gruesome, and perverse games that despite being rated for adults are commonly played by children."

The Senators noted that a prime reason kids have such easy access to ultraviolent games is that few leading retailers have policies restricting the sale of "M"-rated games to minors. They praised Sears and Wards for deciding not to carry "M"-rated games and asked the other companies to at least adopt standard policies to prevent children from buying potentially harmful games.

No single policy, governmental or corporate, will eliminate the serious threat of violence or prevent another Columbine from happening," the senators wrote. "But we have an obligation to do whatever we can to reduce the risks, and we believe that shielding our children from cultural messages and images that glorify and legitimize violence will do just that."
-- Source: Press Release, "Ultraviolent video games" Jun 16, 2000  

On Lieberman's Web site, he's proud to announce that he has:

• Co-authored the V-chip law to give parents new tools to shield their children from offensive and harmful programs on television

• Pushed the video game industry to create a rating system to help parents make informed choices for their children

• Spurred new efforts to make the Internet safer for kids

    George W. Bush

 Pro: He laughed about convicted murderer Karla Faye Tucker's execution. He's a sick bastard.

Con: He laughed about convicted murderer Karla Faye Tucker's execution. I'm not seeing a con here.

Pro: He supports the pro-life stance. A Republican can't get elected without throwing a bone to the fringe elements.

Con: He supports the pro-life stance. A Republican can't get elected without throwing a bone to the fringe elements.

Pro: He would defend Taiwan if China attacks Taiwan. Well, that's one way to cut down on overpopulation.

Con: He would defend Taiwan if China attacks Taiwan. Chinese is a really difficult language to learn.

Pro: He would allow the Ten Commandments to be posted in schools. The kids can't read them, anyway.

Con: He would allow the Ten Commandments to be posted in schools. 16-year-old Wiccans will create protest Web sites.

Pro: He supports stronger penalties for first time cocaine possession. Unless one's last name is "Bush." I'm applying to change my name.

Con: He supports stronger penalties for first time cocaine possession. What about all of the hot young actors who won't be able to cut a deal just in time to star in the latest teen comedy?

Pro: He wants to help failing students pass. An educated populace makes for a successful nation.

Con: He wants to help failing students pass. Who will fill up the prisons by getting arrested for selling coke?

Pro: He wants to get rid of the Superfund program. Battery acid seeping into the water supply adds to the character of a neighborhood.

 Con: He wants to get rid of the Superfund program. New Jersey will surpass Staten Island in being the world's largest garbage dump.

Pro: He wants to pursue stronger ties to Israel. Because they'd, uh, like, defend us and stuff, like, if we were attacked. **cough**

Con: He wants to pursue stronger ties to Israel. Israel sinks another American ship, anyway.

Pro: He's stupid. Think of the soundbites.

Con: He's stupid. Think of how the rest of the world will perceive the soundbites.

Dick Cheney:

 Pro: He supports F-16 sales to Taiwan. They fall apart after playing with them for three days.

Con: He supports F-16 sales to Taiwan. It won't narrow the trade gap.

Pro: He supported a bill that would reward snitching on drug dealers. That's one way to supplement my income.

Con: He supported a bill that would reward snitching on drug dealers. The reward was a handshake from General Barry McCaffrey.

Pro: He voted against the Clean Water Act. Has Poland Springs gone public?

Con: He voted against the Clean Water Act. I guess he doesn't care about the children.

  Ralph Nader

Pro: He wants universal health care. Millions of Americans will wait months or years to receive needed medical care. Could cut down on the population.

Con: He wants universal health care. Reduction in population not worth the enormous cost.

Pro: He wants to provide additional child-care options to America's parents. 20 percent of SIDS cases occur at daycare.

Con: He wants to provide additional child-care options to America's parents. We'll probably foot the bill for Mama Sow to spend a year at home with her pint-sized cretin.

Pro: He wants to tax meat and anything we "don't like." Great. I can't wait for the taxes on reproduction.

Con: He wants to tax meat and anything we "don't like." I think he means all of the things I like.

Pro: He wants a 100 percent tax for the rich. Sour grapes never looked so good.

Con: He wants a 100 percent tax for the rich. Yes, let's punish people for working hard, and give it to idiots who can't even put together the right order at Taco Bell.

Pro: He wants gun control. It's about time someone promoted gun features that steady the shooter's aim.

Con: He wants gun control. I doubt he'll pay for each of us to have a bodyguard, instead.

Pro: He wants to teach "democratic principles" in school. His democratic principles include affirmative action.

Con: He wants to teach "democratic principles" in school. Lovely. We'll go from the Pledge of Allegiance to the Pledge of Tolerance:

I will take every opportunity that presents itself to educate the ignorant in a passive/non-violent manner. I will not accept stereotyping, prejudice or hate in any form. I will make known my disgust of hate-based "jokes," while not losing my sense of true humor.

Pro: He wants to set up the domain ".sucks." All right! www.ralphnader.sucks!

Con: He wants to set up the domain ".sucks." He already owns the rights to it.

Pro: He said that TV ads are "electronic child molesting." At least he'll let pedophiles get off in some way.

Con: He said that TV ads are "electronic child molesting." Someone should tell him that rampant consumerism is what keeps the economy going.

Pro: He supports the decision against Microsoft. Nobody needs to be that rich.

Con: He supports the decision against Microsoft. He's obviously never tried to mount his own hard drive.

Pro: He wants to substantially increase the minimum wage. McDonald's isn't looking so bad now.

Con: He wants to substantially increase the minimum wage. If everyone earns a highly livable wage, where's the incentive to do well and work harder?

And really, would you want that pansy in charge of the military?

Winona LaDuke:

Pro: She's a Native American. When the Northeast experiences another drought, maybe she'll do a raindance.

Con: She's a Native American. Parents will stop naming their kids after boroughs of New York City, and start giving their kids bastardized Native American names such as "Squatting Twat." Public school textbooks will be revised to show the inherent superiority of Native Americans, and school buses will have ads for Foxwoods.

Pro: She's a woman. Maybe she'll show us her tits.

Con: She's a feminist. She'll only show us her tits if there's an infant latched on to one.

Pro: She lives on a reservation. Hey, she couldn't be against the tobacco industry.

Con: She lives on a reservation. We'll never hear the end of Wounded Knee.

  Harry Browne

 Pro: He wants to end the War on Drugs. "Yes, I'll have a pack of gum and a sheet of acid."

Con: He wants to end the War on Drugs. Watch the price of weed shoot up when CVS and Eckerd's stock it.

Pro: He wants to keep abortion legal. I hate when condoms break.

Con: He wants to keep abortion legal. Four more years of pro-life activists.

Pro: He supports cutting back on defending two-bit nations. Rwanda didn't have any fancy art museums to plunder.

Con: He supports cutting back on defending two-bit nations. Taiwan won't send any more tchotchkes.

Pro: He intends to scale back the powers of the federal government, and in turn, eliminate the need for income/estate/etc. taxes. Jesus, have you seen how much those bastards take out of our paychecks?

Con: He intends to scale back the powers of the federal government, and in turn, eliminate the need for income/estate/etc. taxes. But who will tend to the highway infrastructure?

Pro: He thinks that since there are already 20,000 gun laws on the books, there is no need for more. Hello, clocktower!

Con: He thinks that since there are already 20,000 gun laws on the books, there is no need for more. Hello, clocktower!

Pro: He wants to get the federal government out of the education business. What, a 25 percent illiteracy rate isn't pure success?

Con: He wants to get the federal government out of the education business. What will John Stoessel bitch about?

Pro: He wants to get the federal government out of the health insurance business. Pay for what you need.

Con: He wants to get the federal government out of the health insurance business. And make infertile women pay for their own treatments? For shame!

Pro: He doesn't want to tighten immigration restrictions. University math programs and computer companies breathe a sigh of relief.

Con: He doesn't want to tighten immigration restrictions. University students and computer users brush up on deciphering heavy Asian accents.

Pro: He views Social Security as a pyramid scheme. And we don't even get a cheap pendant and a year's subscription to Reader's Digest.

Con: He views Social Security as a pyramid scheme. Grandmothers across the land grip their chests in terror at the thought of losing a benefit they didn't earn.

Art Olivier

 See above.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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