War on Errorism

Recently, I received a bill from "XYZ Health Associates," claming that I owed a $15 co-pay. I'd never heard of the place, so I called the phone number on the bill and was connected to perhaps the most unhelpful woman currently doing time in a billing department. She looked up the account number and stated, "You had a gastrology visit."

While I'm full of many things, none requires medical attention. I explained to her that I've never visited nor heard of this practice, so I didn't understand why I received a bill.

"Well, that's odd. I'll check it out and get back to you today."

A few hours passed. I called back. No one answered. Because this department apparently operates on Italian time, where everyone leaves the office by three.

I tried the main office, where the gum-smacking high-school dropout said that I needed to contact billing, which was closed, but I could try back tomorrow, although she didn't know when they opened because "they there all different times."

The unhelpful billing woman did answer the phone on my first try the next day, but she brushed me off with, "I'll have to pass this on to my boss, who will be here in the afternoon. She'll call you then."

Two o'clock came, and no call. Now apparently operating on French time, everyone left the office at one, after promising that someone would contact me in the afternoon, during hours in which they weren't working. A fact I assume they knew in advance.

Not that I thought it would help, but I called my insurance company's fraud department to report the erroneous fee, and the customer service representative dismissed it as a "likely billing error." But that didn't explain why a practice I'd never visited would know my birthdate, full name, home address, phone number, and insurance ID or why the appointment was made in my name.

Knowing that no one at the insurance company would lift a finger to help me -- at most, they'd get a refund for the portion of the claim they paid, leaving me to swing in the breeze for the oustanding $15 co-pay debt, which would be turned over to a collection agency that I'd never be free of -- I went to the practice itself. You can't ignore someone who is in your face and scaring the Medicare patients with a tale of possible fraudulent billing.

One of the employees took me in the back and kept asking, "Are you SURE you've never been here? ARE ... YOU ... POSITIVE?" Well, you're not a neurologist specializing in amnesia, so yes, I'm quite sure I've never been here.

She went into the back to rifle through papers, and her first question upon returning was, "Have you ever seen Dr. X"?

Yes, he was my primary care physician at one time, but he hasn't been since the beginning of the year.

"Dr. X was once affiliated with a doctor who was once affiliated with this practice, although he left us two years ago, so you're in our database."

What you're telling me is that your practice, which I've never visited, can access my information because, once, someone I saw only twice had a business relationship with a doctor who hasn't been part of your practice for close to two years?

"Yes."

That doesn't seem right, but putting it aside for now, why did you bill me?

"Well, it must be someone with a similar name."

After looking through all of the claim forms for that day and not finding one person whose last name even started with the first letter of mine, she looked nervous.

"Well, it must be a similar account number."

She paged through the forms. Nothing, nothing, nothing -- wait, how action-movie convenient! The very last form, which I couldn't see due to patient privacy, had an account number similar to mine.

"Okay, this must be the cause of the billing error."

But that didn't explain why they had an appointment that day in my name and not this mystery patient's, nor did it explain why they should have access to my billing information if I'd never been a patient of theirs. She was at a loss, but she said that as she couldn't find a claim or file in my name, it was obvious that I had never been there (or, rather, it was obvious I had caught their shady billing practices), so she'd have a letter sent to me that stated this wasn't my debt.

I'll believe it when I'm holding the letter in my hand. Because if it's one thing I and Joe Adams have found out, it's that pleading your case and receiving some level of understanding mean nothing ... once you're in a database.

If the computer says it's so, good luck proving it's not.

Joe Adams is a 71-year-old resident of Minnesota. Oddly, his name is the same as a Palestinian with known terrorist links, which means at least one Joe Adams is on the Transportation Security Administration's no-fly list. Instead of using logic -- Joe Adams, Muslim extremist, likely below retirement age -- the airlines flag every Joe Adams as a potential terrorist.

Although he sent a notarized copy of his birth certificate to the TSA, it did nothing to prevent Adams from being stopped at the airport. Because, somewhere, somehow, he's in a database that wasn't updated and probably never will be because it's linked to another database that has been programmed to override any updates. And what better way to further our downfall than a system that relies on consumer databases that frequently contain errors because the Social Security numbers we were promised would be used for very limited purposes are now an all-purpose identifier?

CAPPS II (Computer Assisted Passenger Pre Screening System II), yet another color-coded program brought to you by our current administration, would assign threat level based on the information culled from these databases. A "yellow" -- perhaps someone without a credit history -- would be detained for further questioning, while a "red" would be considered a bonafide terrorist, complete with an optional stay on a tropical island in the Caribbean.

Unfortunately, CAPPS II verifies only that the ID presented is linked to a real individual without ties to terrorism. It does not confirm that the person presenting the ID is that person. Save for the inevitable biometric revolution, there is no way for Sally Gate Agent to know that Mr. Hijazi of Iraq is flying under the stolen ID of Mr. Smith from Cincinnati.

With companies that warehouse sensitive personal information (credit reports, for instance) increasingly sending jobs to other countries, it is more likely than ever that our identities can be stolen and used to bypass this super-secure system because the United States has no jurisdiction over an Indian Muslim with ties to terrorism gaining access to our Social Security numbers.

But who needs fake IDs when you can simply take advantage of the large pool of potential terrorists who haven't been flagged or whose files have slipped through the cracks?

Shortly after the September 11, 2001, attacks, the government claimed to know the identities of every hijacker on the four planes. How could they allegedly know this unless ... the hijackers flew under their own names? (Or, as is more likely, stole someone else's identity.)

CAPPS II would succeed in one goal: causing terrorist organizations to switch gears and send through "clean" people, people with a spotless history and no known ties to terrorism. According to a Massachusetts Institute of Technology study, based on mathematical laws of averages, a terrorist group could be certain that its little buddy would be missed by CAPPS II after four trial runs.

You won't see Ahmed Islam from Syria taking the 8:40 flight to the waiting arms of 72 virgins, but Todd Birmingham (convert from Berkeley) and D'Marcus Jones (convert from Jersey City) will be breaking day-old bread with you.

Until I bought my first new car two years ago and needed financing, I had no credit history. None. No student loans because I paid for school myself through grants, scholarships and a dedicated Protestant work ethic. No credit cards because I had no need. No car loan because a used car was good enough. If you looked up my name with a credit reporting agency, you'd find absolutely no record of me.

And once I did enter the world of credit, none of the agencies had my employer listed and my home address, for whatever reason, was slightly off.

Would I be denied boarding? Would I have to undergo more strenuous interrogating? Every time I made the choice to fly? If I were a known terrorist, why would I fly under my own name?

TSA spokesman Brian Turmail said: "Not only should we keep passengers from sitting next to a terrorist, we should keep them from sitting next to wanted ax murderers."

I hate the scourge of ax murderers terrorizing our nation's skies and streets as much as the next American, but private industry should not become an arm of law enforcement agencies. When I fly, it's to get from Point A to Point B, and while I appreciate the token effort that airlines make in preventing Leatherman-wielding criminals from boarding my flight, I don't want to arrive four hours early to the airport because the government decided to ask Continental to search for deadbeat dads.

Because once the local bank reports your financial activity to the government (and it does), your HMO flags your account as that of a potential terrorist because you live on Syria Ave (and it does) and airport security takes you in for an unpaid speeding ticket (and it could), it's almost impossible to turn back and they're blowing sunset laws up your ass if they say otherwise.

You won't be any safer, but the government and marketing companies will know a hell of a lot more about your habits.

You can write your representatives. You can write a letter to the editor. You can start an online petition. But if you want to throw a wrench in the system and weigh it down with its own inefficiency, order a halal meal each time you fly.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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