God Cures All

The car was trashed, and it smelled of Olde English, soy sauce and wet dog. If the thieves had left a pint of Guinness and a quart of General Tso's Chicken, I could have overlooked the damaged dashboard, missing spare tire, stolen car stereo, busted ignition and broken window.

But the insurance company wasn't so forgiving. They totaled the car, and I had to visit the company's local office to pick up my check.

While I waited for the insurance adjuster, two teenaged girls walked in. They approached the receptionist's desk and the blonder of the two said to the receptionist, “Like, I'm, like here about my, like, claim or whatever.”

The receptionist asked the girl for her claim number.

“Like, uh, like, it starts with, like, 15f or something.”

Realizing that she was dealing with America's future, the receptionist slowed her speech and asked, “Do … you … know … who … you … talked … to?”

The girls exchanged looks and She Who Might One Day Cure Cancer answered, “Uh, like, tell me some names and, like, maybe I'll remember.”

Based on that conversation, I feel safe in assuming that whatever she was there for, it was her fault.

After picking up my check, I went to McDonald's for a quick lunch. I'm American. I don't need to eat healthy foods. I ordered a cheeseburger and small fries.

The cashier repeated my order: “A Big Mac and super-size fries?”

I've learned not to argue with these people. “Yeah, exactly.” Pick a fight, and you'll be lucky to find only hair grease on the bun.

I pulled up to the drive-thru window, and the long-nailed, dark-skinned slag handed me … a cheeseburger and small fries. And she gave me too much change.

Ebony and ivory, working together to prove that Asians deserve to run the government. Any political candidate named Sanjay is getting my vote.

Now, George W. Bush has made education the centerpiece of his campaign, and some Americans are realizing that the public education system isn't even teaching students how to convert pounds into kilograms -- leaving future drug dealers out in the cold.

But instead of raising standards and throwing away the fluff, we're told that we need to embrace religion if we want to improve the system.

A state law in Virginia requires 60 seconds of silence before the start of classes in all public schools. A 16-year-old who walked out of class to protest the law, which is a thinly veiled attempt at bringing prayer into the schools, was disciplined because of it.

After the Columbine incident, it was suggested the lack of religion in the United States spurred the massacre. If only Mom, Dad and school administrators had made Dylan and Eric love Jesus, they might have had a chat over hot chocolate with Father Francis instead of stockpiling an arsenal of weapons.

When the media caught wind of one of the female students being shot after professing her faith, the girl was (wrongfully) turned into a martyr. “Oh, if only all of us had such strong beliefs!”

A goth kid can't cope with being ridiculed? He needs religion!

A high school football team is 0-5? They need student-led group prayer!

A frat boy can't stop nailing unconscious sorority chicks? A little God'll do ya!

Increased religious activity among the young is becoming the panacea for society's ills.

And why not? It's trendy to be religious. Only in America could a person couple sartorial displays of consumerism with a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, never considering that Jesus probably wouldn't wear FUBU jeans.

While religious folk blather on about the evil heathens taking over the country, I've rarely witnessed an atheist or agnostic wasting his breath trying to convince a Christian that death is the end, not the beginning.

But over the years, I've been harassed by religious people. It must be the horns and cloven hooves because these people flock to me. I might as well throw on the Marilyn Manson t-shirt and accept my fate.

A Jamaican Jehovah's Witness wanted to save me because I seemed like a “nice girl.” I'm not sure if Jesus would approve of his smoking weed and having two illegitimate children. Jesus was way cool, though.

A Muslim told me that I should convert to Islam because, then, I could be one of four wives, and I would have “lifelong best friends.” Well, true, I do look good in a burqua.

Mormons accosted me while visiting friends in Princeton, and they left only after I told them I was Jewish and I use the blood of Mormons to make matzo.

A missionary spent the full six hours of a cross-country flight quoting and interpreting the Book of Revelation to me, even though I had headphones on.

But there are those who merely discuss their beliefs, and they tend to be the ones who do not use their beliefs as a weapon or badge of conformity.

A member of the Baha'i Faith, an Orthodox Jew and I recently had a civil talk about religion. (No, not in a bar.) No one tried to prove that his belief was the right one or that any of us was on the path to an eternity of torment. The Orthodox Jew and I went to a Baha'i meeting, and the Baha'i and I went to a Shabbat dinner.

Both were enlightening -- if for no other reason than I saw firsthand that, yes, people do buy that shit -- but neither encouraged me to reconsider my beliefs. Religion is a fascinating topic, but I don't have any interest in being converted.

Unfortunately, the current crop of politicians thinks that religion should be a major factor in every American's life.

George W. Bush was rightly criticized for proclaiming June 10 “Jesus Day” in Texas, but the Democrats are getting a free ride.

Al Gore is a Bible-banging Baptist, and his choice for vice president, Sen. Joseph Lieberman, is Chaim the Crusader. Between the two of them, they'll reinstate the Judeo-Christian values we've fought so hard to erode with our hedonistic ways.

“I hope it will enable people, all people who are moved, to talk about their faith and about their religion, and I hope that it will reinforce a belief that I feel as strongly as anything else - that there must be a place for faith in America's public life,” Lieberman said.

Lieberman also said Americans should not "indulge in the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion."

That Lieberman can so easily dismiss faithless Americans proves that religion is alive and well in the United States, superficial though it may be, and no minion of Madalyn Murray O'Hair is going to stop it.

I wouldn't mind religious people if they would just shut the fuck up and worship their god(s) privately. If neither eating pork nor drinking alcohol helps someone get through the day, great. I'd rather have a massage and a shot of Jack Daniels, but we all deal with the stresses of life in our own way.

But that's not how it is. Freedom of religion means we can spout off about God's will, but we're screwed if we don't believe in a deity. We're overlooked by politicians, and occasionally, blatantly written off as “undeserving” of the freedom that America provides.

Even more grating, though, is the Obnoxious Atheist. The one who ridicules anyone who dares to put his faith in the hands of a mystical creator. The one who started his own chapter of American Atheists and now has a show on local cable access. The one who claims he drops acid in the desert to find spiritual meaning in life.

The Obnoxious Atheist thinks that any theory that deviates from the accepted scientific norm should receive hearty laughter.

Shit, my grandmother thinks that aliens and apes mated, and that mating spawned the human race. Why not? I wasn't there when human evolution started its devolution, and how humans came to be is not an integral part of my day-to-day business.

I'm open to all possibilities, provided none of them interfere with my good times.

Apes and aliens getting busy. Lilith screwing over Adam. Marduk wanting worshippers. Dreaming ourselves into existence. I don't disregard any of them.

Some argue that the trick is finding a balance. No, the trick is teaching people that with some issues, it's best to not care.

I don't care if you think Joe Smith was a prophet of God, nor do I care if you want to prance around naked in the forest with your coven or if you think quoting Marx's stance on religion is “cool.”

You shouldn't intend for your religious beliefs to impact others, but if they do, please put them on the Web.

We could use a good laugh.

Providing jack-off material for white misogynists since 1997.

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