Both sides play up the angle of abortion being an emotionally wrenching decision that women agonize over and then spend the rest of their days obsessing over. Neither side wants to concede that maybe some women are fine with the decision and can go about their merry way with a spring in their step.

If pro-choicers admit that aborting fetuses can be a healthy relief, it takes away the saintly maternal image of an anguished mama just trying to do right by her baby and instead depicts her as an immoral, selfish harlot. Not much of a PR campaign there.

If pro-lifers admit that some women aren't traumatized by abortion, they lose the edge as the truly compassionate camp that honestly doesn't want to see a woman make a mistake with a lifetime of consequences. And it's all about the consequences for them.

They view children as a punishment for one's "sins." A living, breathing-between-ear-shattering-cries scarlet letter. Being a kid in a relatively normal family is difficult enough, but if your entire life is peppered with hateful, regretful statements -- well, who wants to be that kid?

Most pro-lifers were that kid, and they want everyone to suffer for the horrible lives they were forced to lead.

Pro-life men are pissy-pants, wannabe mama's boys who can't cope with the reality that some future abused children were given the gift of mercy that they were cruelly denied. The worst are the ones who somehow found a sex partner, and when that rotten wench smartly got rid of the evidence, made it their crusade to punish every cunt.

Pro-life women are purse-lipped puritans who are angry that some members of the fairer sex escaped the inevitableness of life in a converted Greyhound bus with eight moppets under foot. The worst are the ones who married the pro-life men who have made it their crusade to punish every cunt.

Pro-choice activists will raise a stink and ask pro-lifers why they would want a child to be born to and reared by someone so unwilling to undertake the task -- Haha! I've got them now with my superior reasoning skills -- but there's absolutely no logic to be had in an ensuing argument.

Fine, pro-lifers will ask, what would you say if I told you about a boy who was so despised by his peers and parents that he wet his bed and killed the neighborhood pets? Would you say that he should have been aborted? Well, then, how would you react to knowing you just aborted Jeffrey Dahmer? What, you'd be fine with that? Oh.

Abortion never hurt anyone other than the medically involved. Reproduction hurts us each time a 14-year-old shorty waves a gun in our faces and demands our cars. Reproduction hurts us each time property taxes increase because additional teachers are needed to staff the rising number of special education classes. Reproduction hurts us each time anyone does anything that has a negative impact on society.

Abortion could have nipped that in the bud, but some people seem to forget that America's most precious resource ultimately turns into America's most precious resource for prison work farms, juvenile detention centers, frat houses, drug rehab and death row.

They're only innocent and unkillable for so long.

Of course, pro-lifers will urge, you can give your baby up for adoption. Tons of genetically inferior couples are dying to smother a baby they couldn't conceive naturally.

If my aunt and uncle are any indication of the quality of the adoptive parent gene pool, no thanks. My uncle is a bitter, violent drunk, and my aunt is a cold fish. They got a baby -- a healthy, sort-of-white one -- because of my aunt's parents' wealth and connections, leading me to believe that the sales pitch about loving, selfless families is a big pile of shit. Why go through nine months of pain and inconvenience only to hand over Junior to people who could fuck him up just as well as I could? At least I'd get to pick the neuroses if I kept him.

But, they'll retort, the latest adoption craze is open adoption! Great, I get all of the fun of being a casual observer, with none of the financial obligations. I get to watch Junior grow up on someone else's dime, knowing that my DNA has been passed on without nary a responsibility for its continued care. That seems so much more responsible than abortion.

I didn't give much thought to the abortion issue until I was 17, when I drove a friend to Planned Parenthood to get her weekly supply of free condoms. She was a foster kid, and out of the few means of escapism offered to unwanted kids, she chose sex.

She came from the stereotypical broken home. Stepfather beat and raped her. Biological mother let it happen because she was afraid of losing her man. Child services stepped in, and threw her into the hellish pit of foster care that bounced her from place to place over the course of five years before throwing her out on her unskilled black ass.

She was ridiculously self-aware, and didn't need a therapist to unlock the secrets of her promiscuity. She was a slut because no one showed her any love in her 18 years on this planet. Sex made her feel good, and as irrational as even she knew it to be, briefly made her feel wanted.

So, one summer day, I took her to replenish her prophylatic stockpile. Waiting for us in the parking lot was a 60-something, pervy-looking man with a camera. It took a minute for his purpose to dawn on us. My friend was miffed, and rightly so. Where was this guy during the past 18 years of her life? It took going to a clinic to get some rubbers for this old dude to take an active interest in her? She probably would have preferred a little love and support when Daddy #2 was forcibly shoving his cock inside her on a regular basis, but I guess taking photos of that would have made him a child pornographer, not a freedom fighter for the unborn.

Although, my guess is he'd have preferred the kiddie porn pix. You know, just as proof to show how the culture of death spurred by abortion is turning America into a degenerate wasteland.

We don't know how the photos were used. I never received pro-life literature in the mail, and no creepy church lady popped out of the bushes on my phantom baby's due date to remind me of the terrible act she knew I must have committed. But this was before the widespread popularity of the Internet.

Now, I'd expect my name, license plate, Social Security number, height, weight and medical history to appear on any number of radical anti-abortion sites with a "baby killer" label under my picture. Regardless of whether I was there to get pre-natal vitamins or free condoms.

And that's the new, improved tactic of pro-lifers. Create a Web site with dripping-blood fonts. Ask your brethren to hang outside of clinics and practices with digital cameras in hand. Have them snap pictures of unsuspecting women. Tell them to scurry home to their basement apartments and send those photos, so they can be uploaded to the Baby-Killing Whore Gallery. (Laughing maniacally and stroking one's cock are optional.)

If those who support legalized, unrestricted, free, widespread abortion are even half as blood-thirsty and conscienceless as pro-life groups make us out to be, one has to wonder why there are more murdered abortion providers than murdered abortion detractors. In the sick, godless, pro-abortion world envisioned by anti-abortion fruitcakes, surely, someone would have stepped up to the plate and knocked off Neal Horsley eons ago.

But no one has because ardent pro-choice activists are granola-eating wussies who think swatting a fly somehow interrupts the natural karma of things.

Mainstream pro-life activists publically decry the violence and harassment directed at abortion clinics, abortion providers and abortion seekers, but for the same reason mainstream Palestinian activists denounce suicide bombers: it doesn't play well on the evening news. There are few more successful ways to derail your cause than to let a few issue-ridden numbnuts grab hold of the reins, even if you secretly applaud their actions.

Violence is fine if you can get away with it -- and pro-lifers got away with it for quite a while -- but it's not going to sway the American people in our current climate. With a couple thousand metro NYC residents now dust blowing over the Atlantic, images of blown-up buildings just aren't going to win friends. So, do something marginally legal that doesn't kill anyone but achieves the same level of fear: "Smile, you're on Abortion Camera!"

There is only one reason to post the photos and identifying information of women who enter medical facilities that offer abortion services: to scare them. Even if the stated goal is to publically shame and embarrass them. Knowing that one's photo might end up on a Web site frequented by people with a potentially violent bend might discourage a woman from seeking an abortion -- assuming it's an abortion she's after.

To radical pro-lifers, this is proof that their tactic works. It doesn't change minds, and it doesn't open hearts, but doesn't it show how evil abortion is? After all, if there's nothing wrong with abortion, why would a woman be embarrassed or ashamed or scared out of her mind to have her photo and personal information posted where a few thousand weirdos might view it?

Certainly, we'd prefer not to be pregnant at all. Fetishized abortion porn aside, there aren't many women who look forward to having something sucked out of them through their pussies. It ranks a bit higher than childbirth, but considerably lower than a hot stone massage. I've gone to great lengths to ensure pregnancy doesn't occur. It hasn't so far, and I've got my tubes crossed that it never does, but spooge happens, and I'm grateful that I live in a state that recognizes some of us would make lousy mothers and lousy hosts.

What seems to boggle the minds of pro-lifers is that some women who seek an abortion aren't free-love, baby-be-damned jezebels. Some of us are stuck in an eight-year rut of monogamy that would be an ideal setting for a child -- if it were at all wanted or had the potential to be loved. Sometimes, that doesn't exist, and a handful of one-man women find themselves with their feet in the air and a vacuum aspirator up their twats.

Defeat sucks.

But there's nothing wrong with abortion, just as there's nothing wrong with buying a Backstreet Boys CD. There are some things, though, you don't want the neighbors to know you do. Amazon.com took care of the shame of purchasing a CD by a noxious boy band, but until those at-home abortion kits finally hit the market (and can be purchased anonymously via Drugstore.com), we're stuck dragging our bloated, parasite-infected bodies to whatever abortion mill tricks us into believing that we're not stopping a beating heart.

Just be sure to get my good side.

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